Today the shop called to say it was ready. It was snowing this afternoon, but it was the only time we could pick it up all week. Shannon came home early, and we drove to the bike shop. I rode home in the snow. Goggles would have been a good idea; visibility was terrible. The bike handles great and was fun to ride. Later this week I will start with A on the back, and once he is old enough M will ride on a seat in the front.
A, my girl, turned three this November. She loves sharks, dolphins, riding her scooter, Peter Rabbit, Jake the pirate, and singing. She can turn on the tears in a second and has a smile that lights up a room. Gone is her baby face, now she is beginning to look like a girl. Long and lean, the only vestige of her baby-self is a bit of pudge around her hands and her belly. She is learning to negotiate, to bargain, and to sometimes give in. She can sometimes be nervous, but often pushes through it. Hours are spent creating fantasy worlds, catching peregrine falcons, swimming in pretend seas, running from Mr. McGregor, and battling it out with Captain Hook .
I am amazed daily by this person, who is mine, but also very much her own.
My eight month old is currently standing and playing a chair like a drum. Yes, my eight month old is standing, only when holding on, but standing none the less. For the past month and a half he had one mission, to be vertical. I am pretty sure he only learned to crawl, so he could get to objects to climb on. Both activities happened simultaneously at Christmas. He has been on the normal edge of early for all of his physical milestones, but so far pulling up seems to be his favorite.
Early in our relationship a friend of Shannon’s was playing at an open mic night, on the other side of the harbor. Driving wasn’t an option at night, because there wasn’t parking on either end. Our mutual friends were taking a cab. We ended up riding our bikes over. The only issue was that it was at night in January, and it was super cold. It started as a challenge posed in jest, but then the challenge was accepted and there was no backing down. We both had the clothes for it, but our friends thought we were nuts. It was our first ride together and I remember it being a great ride on a beautiful crisp, clear, and cold night.
Throughout our relationship we have continued to ride places together. It is our preferred method of transportation to get around the city. Once A was old enough we started taking her with us. One of my big concerns about having a second child was how we would continue to ride. We spent over a year researching and finally decided on a Yuba Mundo cargo bike. It hasn’t come in, and I am getting super anxious even though I know it is coming. We still have to find a place for it, and M needs to be a bit older before we can put him in a bike seat.
On Friday, May 18, 2012, I was tired all day. It took me hours to get ready to leave the house, but I was determined that A and I were going to have one last outing before the baby came. We drove to the Science Center, because the thought of walking was more than I could handle. We went to the baby room and she happily played while I curled up in the big chair. I wasn’t in labor yet, but I was so sleepy. When Shannon got home we ate dinner and then took the Circulator to the harbor. The Kelly Bell Band was playing and our friends were there as well. It was a beautiful early summer night. As we were leaving, Amber and I discussed where I was in the labor process, because she wanted to be available in the middle of the night, but didn’t feel well. I told her I was fine, but that it could go either way. We took the Circulator home, put A to bed, and went to sleep.
The night before M was born.
I woke up around 7:30 with achy cramps. I thought they might be contractions, but after my false labor with A I wanted to be sure. I woke up my husband and told him I might be in labor. We hung out for a bit. Then Shannon went downstairs and made me breakfast while I called and emailed to give people the heads up that this might be the day. I decided that if I was in labor that I really needed to get a shower cap. We walked to CVS, stopping for contractions along the way. On the way home I realized that it was truly labor and rushed home while Shannon stopped to talk to the neighbors.
Once we got home I took a shower, braided my hair and put on clean clothes. I labored alone in the bedroom for a while. I made plane reservations for my mom and tracked down someone to come watch A once we were ready to go to the hospital. I labored in the shower, using the much needed shower cap, so my hair wouldn’t be wet. I then hung out with Shannon and A downstairs. I drank Gatorade and ate lemon ice while laboring on the couch and the birthing ball. My contractions were steady, but I was having good luck managing the pain.
A was pressing on my back with her feet. It provided unexpected, but amazing relief.
Finally, I realized that it was time to go to the hospital. I saw my neighbor’s car outside, so I thought she was home. I called to tell her we were ready, so she could come watch A. She wasn’t home. She was still at the hairdressers. Contractions ramped up at this point and I was really worried that she wouldn’t make it in time. Once she got there, Shannon and I rushed to the car. As we drove the mile to the hospital the contractions became almost unbearable – they were hard and fast, with little time in between them. Looking back, I realize that I began transition around this time. In the car I called Amber, my friend who was coming to be with us during the birth, and told her not to leave for the hospital for half an hour, since she wouldn’t be able to be in triage with me.
Shannon and I were planning on using the valet service at the hospital, but unfortunately there is no valet on Saturdays. Shannon dropped me off and I walked in myself. I checked in at the front desk and started to walk up. I stopped to lean against the wall during a particularly rough contraction. Someone brought me a wheel chair and escorted me up to the floor. It was a really long ride up that elevator. When I got to labor and delivery, I sat at the desk for what felt like a really long time, but was probably only a few minutes. A nurse came out and said, totally tongue and cheek, “Looks like you might be having a baby today. I will come get you in a minute”.
At that point Shannon came up, but the nurse made him go to the waiting room while I went right back to a delivery room, because the nurse had the good sense to know I wasn’t going to make it through triage. I had to stop several times for contractions, which were coming right on top of each other at this point. When we got to the room she sent me to the bathroom. All of the sudden, there was a pop, and a gush. My water broke. The contractions were still really close together and I was feeling like I wanted to push, so I demanded she get my husband.
My husband came in just as a resident was trying to do a cervical check. I kept having contractions, so it really hurt. I was in a ton of pain at this point, because things were moving really fast, the baby had dropped and was moving downwards, the contractions were coming in waves, and I couldn’t get my rhythm back. I heard someone ask my husband if I was planning on an epidural. He told them that I was planning on going med free just as I I thought to myself, “Wow, that sounds amazing. I do want an epidural”
My next thought was “Really, they think there is time for an epidural? There is no time for that. This baby is coming. They have no idea.”
The midwife finally arrived, straight from another birth, and wanted to check me. I told her I was ready to push. She agreed and helped me get on my knees and lean forward with my arms and face against the back of the bed, to push that way. The baby’s heart rate began to drop, so they told me I had to roll to my back. I started to panic. After my pushing fiasco with A, I had no intentions of pushing on my back. At this point I was scared and frustrated and probably a bit belligerent. I began pushing, but still couldn’t find a rhythm and continued to be annoyed. The bed wasn’t set up for pushing, so it was hard to get enough traction. Shannon was amazing. He asked for ice chips and a wet cloth when he saw how hot I was. He was also really encouraging and supportive. A new nurse arrived and began giving me gentle instructions that worked to refocus me a bit. I looked over and realized she was the nurse I met and really liked at my hospital tour. She told me to sit up a bit and grab my thighs. This put me in a much better position and my pushing became much more productive, although I was still out of sorts. Suddenly there was an intense pain, that I could almost taste. I realized that this meant the baby was coming and I became present in the moment. I felt the head come out and the midwife turned the baby so the shoulders were freed. She then told me to reach down and grab the baby’s shoulders. As I pushed one final time the baby dropped into my hands, and I pulled it to my chest. As I did this I realized it was actually a he. I snuggled him for a moment. Then rolled him over so my husband could announce he was a boy and cut the cord.
The nurses took him while I delivered the placenta and the midwife had me sign all the waivers. She was really amused by explaining all the complications that hadn’t happened, which helped me not be annoyed by the process.
Amber arrived in labor and delivery, just as the baby cried his first cry. She ran into the room just as I was delivering the placenta. She was happy the baby was safe, because she had been as worried as I was, but she was also mad at me for waiting so long to go to the hospital and telling her to wait before coming. We were both disappointed that she hadn’t made it for the birth.
Once the paperwork was done, I demanded that they give him back to me. He had started to cry and his chin was twitching. As soon as I took him he stopped crying and began to eat. The boy was a champion nurser right out of the gate. I take no credit for that. He was born with suck marks on his wrists. He was ready.
M was born on May 19, 2012, at 3:11 pm, 36 minutes after we arrived at labor and delivery, and 27 minutes after my water broke. He was 7lbs 14 oz, and 21 1/2 inches long.
I will eventually share pictures from A’s birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, but for now I just wanted to pop in and talk about two things.
1. I am twenty two weeks pregnant
2. A was totally weaned in the four days between her birthday and Thanksgiving
I would have liked to nurse further into my pregnancy. I could deal with the discomfort. I could deal with the judgement. What I could not deal with was the hunger. I was so hungry and I couldn’t eat enough to keep up. Nap time presented its own challenge, which was more important food or sleep. I would stand at the counter and cry, because the whole thing was so overwhelming. I finally decided that I got her to two, and never planned on tandem nursing, so it really was okay to stop.
We had stopped morning nursing over the summer in anticipation of my getting pregnant, and dropped nap time nursing around Halloween, so we were down to only bedtime. Shannon hopped in and took over the bedtime routine, and I disappeared, at bedtime, for a couple weeks while the transition took place. It was hard, and she still talks about nursing and my nipples, and every once and a while sneakily attempts to latch on, but there is no more milk and she is done.
I loved nursing my girl, even when it was hard. I cried when I started her on solids, because it meant I was no longer her sole provider of sustenance. I grumped when she took up nursing gymnastics, but settled into a nursing toddler routine. I am glad that we did it as long as we did, was a bit sad when we stopped, but realize we had to because I just couldn’t keep up, and for my own health it was time.
Today my girly is two. I can hardly believe so much time has gone by.
Little girl, you are currently half asleep at my breast. I love watching you nurse, your eyes half closed in contentment, your hand on my sweater. We are coming to the end of our nursing relationship, and although I am glad I might have a few month before I have to start with your sibling, I am sad about ending this time with you.
We began this journey in the NICU when you were almost a day old. The hum of the machines, the voices of the nurses, and the wail of other babies were the music of our earliest days. WHen I brought you home, we watched countless hours of Law and Order SVU, until you began nursing quicker and less often.
We have been weaning slowly for sometime now. Since the summer you have been down to nap time and bedtime. Today we dropped the afternoon session. I told you we were not going to nurse at nap time today and you got very serious and said “Stop nursing”. You seemed relieved when I told you that you could nurse at bedtime.
As you are cuddled up against me, I am trying to sear this image on my brain, so I never forget these amazing moments that are soon to end.
Years ago before Ada, before even Shannon, my friend Mary gave me a little pig as a hostess gift. This pig sat in a basket in the corner of my room, until January of this year when I took it out to be a photography prop.
Slowly she began playing with it. She started to call it PIG. Suddenly PIG became part of our family. He is fed cookies. He is called for at bedtime, and when she wakes up. We can be engrossed in an activity and she will realize he isn’t with us and she will ask for PIG in her really deep little voice.
A week ago Ada woke up asking for pig. He was no where to be found. I looked every where in her room. I was sure I put him in her bed. I searched some more he wasn’t any where in the house.
Finally I remembered that I walked her around the block to get her to sleep. I retraced my steps, but he was gone.
I was sad, because I have always been bad with things. I hated that my losing things was now upsetting my child.
Update: it turned out that Pig had made it in to the carrier when we went for a walk. My neighbor found it and posted on the neighborhood list serve. Pig was then returned to us unharmed.
On the way to the farmers’ market today, I was almost hit on my bike. I was in the left lane turning left, and I was using hand signals. I was traveling at the same speed as the rest of the traffic. The car in the right lane decided to turn left, from the right lane. I don’t know if he didn’t see me, or thought he could beat me at the pass, but it was really scary. I am really glad Ada was with Shannon. I worry about biking in the city with Ada. I wish people would be patient and pay more attention to what they are doing. I wasn’t holding anyone up, and I was following all the local travel laws.
We had a great time once we arrived. While the fiddlers fiddled, Ada danced in her red boots. She then had her first plum of the season and several cherry tomatoes. She loves tomatoes and yelled every time we passed any.
I have always loved the how connected to the community I feel at the farmers’ market. This feeling has strengthened over the years. Now that I have a family I feel it even more. I love that my daughter is growing up a part of this community.